DATE: 28 Jan 2007, 8:51 pm / MOOD: I feel...I think...

This blog is dedicated to my friends, family, fans of my modeling and acting my therapist and mainly.. myself.

I have been through so much in my short life and below I shall be revealing some very intimate, personal events that have occurred in the past few years. I have suffered from depression, self harming, eating disorders, anxiety and serious low self esteem issues and I am currently in the process of starting to write a book.

This blog is mainly looking at self harming, low self confidence and depression.

I have had a lot of professional support but in the past few months I have truly realised that the most important person you need in order to get better is YOURSELF and you can't rely on any one person to make you happy. You have to learn how to love yourself. Imagine yourself in a situation with no family, no friends and no professional help. What will you do then? Kill yourself? NO. In order to get better I may NEED my therapist and friends to support me, HOWEVER the most important person to aid in my mental healing is myself.

I have learnt that I need to believe in who I am, believe in what I do, believe in myself and be happy with who I am. You have to make the most of my life. 

When I was a kid I was CONVINCED by the time I was 18 I'd be a successful well known actress because it is what I love. I am 21 and I spent my 18th birthday in a hospital. It's enough time that I have wasted. People, HOLD ONTO YOUR DREAMS! Believe them and don't listen if people attempt to shatter them. Do you ever get bullied or put down? Fuck them! That is THEIR problem, NOT yours. NO ONE is ever worth your tears.

I am who I am. I have accepted it and people have to accept and RESPECT me too. If they don't, it is THEIR loss. YOU can all be strong out there. Believe in YOURSELF.

Some people thought this blog was suggesting that you should not seek help. NO. I am not saying that at all. You should always ask for help if you need it. You shouldn't have to manage on your own. Some people even thought I was anti prescribed drugs too! I was shocked, actually. I am on anti depressants myself and I know for a fact if I was NOT on them, my depression would return. This blog isn't a CURE for mental illness or someones issues. It's just a support and an insight into the world of someone who understands and has been through a lot.
I hope that this blog reaches out to a lot of people and helps them in whatever way it can.
God bless.

Self Harmers

Hi, I'm Em-J. I started self harming hardcore about three years ago, I was hospitalised in 2003 and my cutting got to its very worst. I was harming myself twelve times a day. They took everything away from me but I found things to use, anything to harm myself. I had this idea that I wanted my whole left arm to be completely covered in cuts, with no more normal "flesh" left, it's very sad and I was very unwell. I stopped harming myself for good about  9 months ago. I made the decision to stop. I just thought, ENOUGH.

 I was born with a beautiful body and I just destroyed it. YOU ARE ALL beautiful, DON'T ruin yourself the way that I did. I will include a picture, I am not ashamed of it. Three years down the line I sit here and believe me I regret what I did, I wish I could turn back time and stop myself from doing it. You have these scars for LIFE. Is it worth it? NO. Nothing is worth harming yourself, NOTHING. You may think it's a good way to deal with problems, bah, that's rubbish - a good way to deal with your problems is think, fuck it I WON'T LET THINGS GET ME DOWN. That's the right way, I beg you cutters out there, please, please stop...for me, yourself, your family and your friends. Years down the line you will look back on it and regret it. I break down in tears sometimes when I look at my arm now. You have the power to stop and get better.

I have faith in you, we all do. Decide that today you are going to change your life, decide that today you are going to STOP.

DON'T get to where I was. I love you all,

EM-J xx

MY STORY & What I have learnt

Three years ago I was in a hospital bed pumped full of drugs in an attempt to keep my anxiety at bay. Three years ago I cut myself twelve times a day and couldn't bring myself to even wash. Three years ago I had a breakdown and was hospitalised. Three years ago, I LOST my life. Here's how I got it back and what I have learnt..

So many people out there suffer. It breaks my heart. The majority of people who suffer from depression, self harming, anxiety disorders, etc have no one to turn to or talk to, they feel lost in a world with so much chaos and confusion, not knowing who to turn to and not knowing why or how you became the person you are today. Were you always the happy kid at school an now look at yourself and wonder what has happened to you? Or, perhaps you always hated yourself, loathed yourself and suffered. It doesn't matter.

self hate....

You are who you are and the faster you realise this, the happier you will become. When I was younger, I used to stare at all the thin blonde girls who got all the boys attention at parties and just think, man, they wouldn't look at me because I'm fucking disgusting! I want to look like a hot model! I just.. don't want.. to be ME! And, I used to cry about it. But, you know what? What have they got that you haven't? So, who cares if they have a better figure than you. You gotta learn to love what you got.  Im not marilyn monroe, but I am who I am. I was born with what I got and I realised this. Theres no point in staring at other people and thinking oh i wish i was her. Why? They haven't got anything on you. 
Experiment with your make up, your look, your clothes. You just have to accept that you are who you are.

The ugliest girl in the world can still make the best of herself. I remember when i was at school, there was this really ugly girl but god did she make an effort and she looked really nice because she made the most of herself. The first thing you have to do is to stop with the negativity. You need to realise that you are who you are and make the MOST of it. And, each and every one of you is beautiful, I don't care what anyone says, you ARE.
I have changed in the past few months.Im a different person. I have been in psychiatric hospitals and for my entire life I have hated myself.

Why did I spend all these years hating myself? Did it get me anywhere? No. It just stopped me from doing the things I wanted to do, achieving the goals I wanted to achieve and actually making something of myself. Just say to yourself, ok, you have flaws. GET over them already. If you dont you will be miserable forever and never see yourself as attractive.
You are who you are. There aint nothing you can do about it. So why give yourself pain all the time WISHING you were someone else? Its NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I realised that I am Emma and there isnt anything I can do about it. And, I have learnt to accept this now. Its taken me 20 years. I try and make the best of myself. And, it's time that all of you out there who hate themselves start to become brave and try to change and move on. YOU have to make the first step.

Changing isn't easy. For people who have been very unwell mentally in the past, it will take YEARS. It's going to take me yeras. I have shared a lot of personal information in the above and I am not ashamed of what I have been through.

I am a recovered bulimic and cutter and I have survived hospital and now I am making something of myeslf.

If I can do it, YOU can do it too. I never thought I'd make anything of myself and yet, here I am surviving in this hard world.

RECOVERY

Recovering from any mental difficulties isn't easy. Back when I was in hospital in 2003, I remember the first good thing I did for myself. This was at my worst where I was basically bed ridden and pumped full of drugs. I remember brushing my hair. It had probably been a month or longer. Even that was an effort and I remember my mother helping me. Little baby steps like that made a difference for me. I remember my first walk outside of hospital walls, that was terrifying. It was like I had to re-teach myself how to survive. Going into a coffee shop was terrifying, I remember my leg was always shaking due to anxiety whenever I was allowed out for a walk with my mum, heh. In 2003 all of my problems just got too much for me and I broke. I had a breakdown in the middle of london and no one would help me. I was crying and shaking and I couldnt get home. DON'T get to where I was, please. I beg of you. I have made an amazing recovery and even now I get anxious and suffer from many daily difficulties and its been three years.

Start doing nice things for yourself, do your hair, do your nails, anything, something nice for yourself. Hire tons of funny movies and laugh your ass off, ANYTHING. Don't just sit around and wait for things to change, they wont, you have to make the effort. Ive shared a lot of info. about myself and you know what? Im not ashamed of what I went through. I have a large amount of friends on this site and I decided it was time I did something for others and helped others to get better.

Emma in 2003

 

Emma in 2006

I love you all.

EM-J TAYLOR XX

RESOURCES:

Chantelle's Inspirational Page

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