Well my friends, I am a lucky man. No doubt. Not even a smidgeon of a wonder, I am a lucky man going through a tough time. There are people that love me BIG TIME and I can't deny that no matter how everything else goes and sometimes it goes hard.

I am trying to rearrange my life so it has more meaning to me. Yes, me. How egotistical, how self serving, how how how howiln wolf....that is why there is so much turmoil. We spend all of our time giving ourselves and our lives away to others we hope someday will come to recognize our Herculean efforts and repay us with loyalty, love and greater understanding of how this sacrificial lamb idealogy works. It works like shit. They get off easy and we end up on the block table at the top of the temple waiting for some hallucinogenic priest to cut our hearts out and they WILL rip your heart out. SO why not take a chance and see if making you happy will make someone else happy and while you are growing happier exponentially, they will be there with you growing happy exponentially and you create this great sun of happiness and then planets form (friendships/children) and they are part of your happiness universe and you all get to swirl in the beneficial light of the sun that you created when you started putting yourself first.How evil and egotistical! How wonderfully full of bliss and contentment. How easily done without the parameters put on us by other invasive species.

Tonight at a bar in Council Bluffs, Iowa, across the river from this town of my birth, I am a benficiary of rock-n-roll friends putting on a benefit for me by doing what they do best, rocking the house. I am so humbled by all of this that I really don't know what to say except "Thank You". I love these people and they love me back. WE are cut form the same bolt of cloth, in a way. All nut case musicians that have a dream and a drive that keeps us up late, that keep us alive with no guarantee it will ever come to the place we dream of and we know that and accept our fate, knowing as much as it might not happen, it just as surely could happen. Which universe do you want to live in? Possibilty or futility? We are aware there are consequences, like partners not sharing the dream or frustrations of non-recognition, people leaving our universe but the ones that remain true to their vision get a clearer picture of how life is for them. they get stronger, the people around them get stronger. the vision gets clearer and passion begins to pump into your viens and you get this aura of contentedness that few people really attain. Musically, I feel myself there. The rest of my life is a complicated mess of frustrations, pains, things that I have no control over and wonderful rays of sunshine that makes my soul leap with joy and an awareness that there is a joyful life out there.

This year started slow and then I found out I have colon cancer and surgery was imminent. Since then it has been a struggle to get better with the help of everyone in my family, especially my Ma and Pa. The day I talked to the surgeon, I found out Mike Canter of SONICJIVE.COM had picked "Traveling st the Speed of Steve" as one of his top ten CD's of 2007...cut me up....lift me up. That's the way my life is going. I had surgery and spent 7 days in the hospital. I got cards and letters from so many people. Friends dropped by to lift me up when I was in that bed good and solid. On the 7th day, my daughter and her boy friend got married and the people at the hospital brought up a cart with a cake, a bowl of punch and ice cream for everyone. I had my daughter bring up my guitar and I played song I wrote for them and played 'Moondance" for their wedding dance while I was in my hospital gown. I got out later that day and got better so I could start chemo therapy for 12 sessions that have been periodically delayed because of blood counts that are low because of chemo therapy. I have come to the conclusion that chemo therapy is either like a forest fire or napalm getting dropped in your system. A lot of stuff burns up, but the hope is that the good stuff comes back since I am inherently a healthy person and that is the redeeming characteristic that will eventually cause me to look at this as a win.

The last chemo tore me up! That was 3 of 12. I went in this week and my count was down and sorry, no chemo....shot a day of vaction for that. So I went to see a old buddy of mine I had played basketball in high school with and we had our own chemo therapy of Bud Light. SO now it is delayed another week but JOY OF JOYS!! my job has pumped me to a graveyard shift that nearly killed me when I was healthy, 11pm to 7:30am, M-F. There is no hope of ever getting off that shift unless my dream comes true....another time..another blog...There are pluses, I can still gig if I want to and no more vacation days for chemo, all  I have to do is move Mr. Sleep around and I can do whatever I need to...instead of sleep. 4 o'clock in the morning is the suckiest time to try and stay awake.......but I must do it. No choice....for now.

I really felt my bucket was full. I knew it was full. I want to regain my independence but I must go through the paper work all by myself and do it all by myself to hope that I can begin to encorparate the light of all this good that is happening to me into a new universe of music and love....yes I am a hippie at heart. Chemo is neccessary and whimsical and comes and goes and I must fly on that breeze until October, when I should be free of it. Well, this is all well and good but when I heard about having to work the graveyard shift (great for blues players to write about when its true..) my bucket was over flowing. Then I saw someone approach me with something new and shiny. It was the gift of a bigger bucket! And this spirit looked me in the heart and said. " Just cuz it gets tough, don't mean it  gets any easier. The cheap ones fade. The survivors keep going and they are the ones that can reap the reward." "The reward of what?", I asked and he said, "Honest effort. The results are unknown and part of another riddle but knowing you faced your challenges and did your best begins the glow that becomes your sun.....that begins that universe of your joy so that it may shine on others. Bask in it the glow brother. Bask in its glow"

So tonight, I will be basking in a glow and feeling the love and giving the love. I am amazed at all of this.I never thought I would be the sick one, the one in need. I never thought I would have stage 3 cancer and going to chemo where women wear scarves to hide bald heads and a man talks through a voice synthisizer and we sleep in chairs in an open room with nurses darting to and fro, while our hopes of never being in that room again drip into our blood streams. I never envisioned a need for a benefit for me and I would truly need to meet this stage of my life and all the troops would come to my aid and I would feel safe in my vulnerability.

So when I go to work at 11 pm Monday night, I will still be reeling from my forced exile from regular hours. I'll still be glowing with the love sent my way. I'll still need to fill out the forms that could free me to a new life and chemo is coming on Wednesday, the 46 hour drip bag fanny pack and a follow up endoscopy on Friday afternoon is coming! WHOO HOO!! These are all temporary distractions and it is tough at times, but just cuz its tough don't mean it gets easier. It doesn't have to hold you down. Cuz YOU know what you want out of this life. You know the love that is out there. That love is so strong you can stand on it, build a house on it, start the fire of your own sun with it and create the universe sitting inside you. I'm gonna give it a go. Why dont' you? Happiness is not a event, it should be a way of life. Black Elk said we are here to have joy, create joy and give joy. What else is there to do??

I am sending a healing vibration that has enveloped me. I am sending you love that has poured my way. I am hoping for your joy to become the sun you revolve around. Grant yourself the right of peace and contentment. Most importantly give it to others....that is so-o-o important. It starts a nartural recycling of love. I'll be witness to that tonight. I am lucky and a blessed man.

All the best to you all

Stephen Monroe